Having confidence in ourselves

Trusting in who we are, and the natural talents we bring

There’s a Maya Angelou quote that does the rounds from time to time, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”.

I guess the original meaning of this was that if someone is a dick to you, take note, and don’t assume they’ll suddenly change. But recently I’ve been thinking about how we relate it to ourselves, and not as a bad thing. I think an easy habit that many of us fall into is to assume we’ll somehow be a different person in the future:

I’ll be happy when I get thin.

I’ll be more outgoing when I get the promotion.

I’ll be more assertive once I’m in charge. 

And it’s true, we might be. But often not because of the thing we have achieved, but because of the steps we took to get there. And as often as not, when we get to that new place, at our core, we’re the same person we always were.

And this isn’t to say that people don’t learn new skills, grow in capability, or build the capacity to take on things they wouldn’t previously have been able to. They absolutely can and do. I know I look back on some of the things that scared me s**tless when I first did them, that now I would take in my stride without a second glance.

However, I do think that we have some innate talents and skills that are unique to us. And I think these remain with us whether we’re just starting out, or whether we’ve been around the block more than a few times. Our core values and beliefs are often quite stable, particularly if we’re not actively working to change them. And I think that’s a bit of a gift.

I once did quite an intense values exercise with a coaching client. When we got to the end and listed out her core values she exclaimed

“Oh, yeah. It’s almost kind of boring, I always come back to the same me.”

To me there’s a kind of joy in that acceptance. To know that you have a steady and consistent values. How nice you can believe in yourself and have confidence in who you are. I know my failings and my strengths, and when I cock up, I can usually go “oh yeah, that’s me”. But within that knowledge there’s power. If I’m consistent in my mistakes, at least that means I’m not making endless new ones! There’s only so many things I need to work on.

But the opposite is also true, we might know our common mistakes, but if we think about it, we also know our common strengths. I think often, and I’ve totally done this, we can get so hung up on what we can’t do, we forget the things we’re good at. We get seduced by the idea of being someone different and forget all the amazing things we do without trying. There are areas of life where we have natural competence, the things that come so easily we don’t even notice we did them, or that there was skill involved. Maybe we should give a bit more time to believing these things too.

And so, going back to that quote, maybe we should trust in who we show ourselves to be. Rather than constantly questioning and trying to change, perhaps we should also rest into the things that come easily. Remember the things things that bring us joy and do them more. Yes, we can admire people who are different. Maybe we can even learn some of those skills. But without forgetting, that it’s already pretty incredible to be who we are.