Lessons in making big decisions

3 ways to feel better when decisions are hard...

I talked a bit last week about making big decisions, and how it can be a struggle committing to change. Over the years, I’ve come up with some strategies to help me with this, or at least learnt some lessons that I can comfort myself with when it’s not going as I planned. Here, I share some of what I’ve learnt, but it would be good to hear how you deal with this too, so do put your ideas in the comments.

A decision for today is fine – At times, I can find it hard to commit for the long term. It’s not that I don’t do it, it’s more that I don’t enjoy making decisions that feel like they might last forever. So, over the years I’ve learnt to ask myself questions in the short term. Am I happy in my job today? I can think again if the answer is different tomorrow. Do I want to try this new position for a year? I can always step down if I don’t get on with it by the time a year is up. Giving myself permission to make decisions for the short term conversely means I commit to things for longer – I’m not going to claim that makes sense, but it helps!

Honouring life’s seasons – Related to making decisions for now, I also find it helpful to think of life in seasons. I’m not talking in the traditional sense, although I’m sure some of this thinking has been shaped by Katherine May’s book Wintering. Seasons can be long or short, they can literally map onto a year, or they may be a few years long. The main idea though is that you reduce the panic about what you’re not doing, while honouring things that you love but don’t have space for now. By acknowledging interests that you’re not currently following, and giving yourself permission to focus on one thing and not another, you can release the pressure to be moving forward on everything all at once.  

For a lot of my colleagues in HE, their seasons often do map onto the year – points where they know all of their energy will be going to students, and points where they know it will all go on their research. But knowing they’re in the season of student emails reduces the feelings of panic that there’s papers waiting to be written, safe in the knowledge that their season will come.

More generally it can also be useful to think of phases of our lives in seasons. Maybe you’re in the season where your kids are small and need much tending. Or perhaps you’re in the season of caring for aging parents. A season or learning or a season of mastery. I’m currently in a season of trying new things, learning new skills, it can feel frightening but I’m hopeful my future self will appreciate my making these new starts.

Just put the potato in the oven – I call this the baked potato type decision, but it could equally be called, there is no perfect decision, just get on and do something!

It came by its name by a common occurrence in our house. We all get back a bit later than usual. There’s not a lot of food in the house. You’re casting about for what to have for dinner, and someone suggests baked potatoes. But we all know they’re going to take at least an hour to cook, and it’s already a bit late, and so you don’t put them in. Instead, you think perhaps takeaway, but looking at Deliveroo it’s gonna cost loads. So, you think about other things. What’s in the freezer? Oh god, really nothing. Look again at takeaway – oh shit, they’re not going to deliver for ages. Better go to the shop and buy something quick…

Before you know it, you’ve started cooking your quick thing nearly an hour after you first started thinking about what to have… everyone is now completely starving and grumpy, and the kids are sulking because it’s not takeaway. And in that moment, you realise - you should have just put the potatoes in when you first thought of them.

I’m sure you can think of other scenarios where this is the case. You look at a course, but don’t want to commit to a full year, but 3 years down the line you’re still stuck in that same job you dislike. I could go on, but you get the gist. Sometimes the best decision is a made decision – and really baked potatoes are pretty nice, so go and get one in the oven. Your future self will thank you!

Are you stuck on a big decision? Or do you find the small day to day ones are tripping you up? If so, some coaching might help to work out what’s stopping the decision. If you’d like to book a free consultation, email me at hello@rachelwillis.co.uk.