Saying no
Setting boundaries with others and ourselves
I’ve been pondering on how we say no for a while. This topic came up at a course I was attending, when a number of participants said they needed to learn to say no. It started me thinking about the hard time we give ourselves for both saying yes and no at times, and made me consider how there can be regret in a failure to say no.
On reflection, I think there are two types of no we wish we had given.
1. I think the first is to do with boundaries. It’s wishing you could have said no to a colleague who has dumped a piece of work with you that wasn’t really yours to do. Or ending up going to something you weren’t planning to because you were embarrassed to say you didn’t want to.
2. The second type of no, often comes up as “I shouldn’t say yes, but it was too exciting to say no”. Unlike the first type of no which comes because you feel dutiful about saying yes, this one can feel energising and exciting. Until you look at your diary and get the sinking feeling about how you’re going to fit it all in…
For me, the first of these types of no has been something I’ve found easier to learn. In part this was about realising I couldn’t do everything. If I wanted to learn new things, I had to stop doing some I already knew how to do. It also came with the realisation that by always saying yes, I was robbing others of the chance to learn. It’s easy to convince yourself that saying yes is the only way to make people like you, and that being helpful is all important. But in the long term I don’t always think that’s the case, it often just leads you to being burnt out and resentful, which weirdly, isn’t a super likeable way to be!
There will always be jobs we enjoy less that we still need to do, and we none of us want to be that colleague who literally never volunteers. But if you’re always saying yes with a sense of annoyance and rising resentment, then maybe you’ve gone too far the other way, and you need to learn to say no. One helpful way I’ve found to do this is to develop phrases that aren’t as blunt as a straight no but do the same thing. The two I have used regularly are:
That’s a good idea, but unfortunately, I'm at capacity at the moment. Maybe someone else would be able to take that forward. – This one is particularly useful for those people in meetings who have more ideas than they do work.
And
I'm sorry, I already have a commitment that evening. – If I'm calling it a commitment, this is almost universally a commitment to be at home with my husband and kids, but if I say I'm sorry I can't come because I'll be watching telly that night it just doesn't land the same!
The other thing I’ve found helpful, is skilling people to do the thing. For the last few years, I’ve had a placement student working in my office. One of their jobs is organising our department seminars, and despite my best efforts, they never quite took full responsibility for them. So, there was always a running jobs list in my head, and I was having to check “have you booked catering? Have you booked a room?”. But last summer I had a brainwave and wrote this list down.
The result? This year’s placement student took full responsibility from the get-go, and that running checklist lives in her head not mine. I honestly wish I’d done it years ago; she’s getting satisfaction from being completely responsible for delivering the seminars, and I’m getting valuable head space to do other things with. No “no” involved, but definitely a way to set an expectation that this is no longer my job.
The second type of no is a different type of challenge. While the first might be termed as setting boundaries with other people, I think the second is probably to do with setting boundaries with ourselves, and that doesn’t always feel all that fun. While the dream is more time, the reality is often that we just need to take on fewer things, so how do we do that?
A set of questions I find helpful to ask myself in these situations are these from a newsletter Nikesh Shukla sent a few years ago:
“A friend once told me that the way he considers a new project is to ask himself 3 questions: does this stretch me? Does this stretch culture? Is me doing this the difference between it happening or not?”
Alongside this, having an idea of what you’re trying to achieve is vital. Whether that’s super specific, “I want a promotion in the next 6 months”, or a wider, “I want to change the world” if we’re clear on what we’re trying to get to, then it’s easier to work out if we should be saying yes or no.
For those who just don’t know what that goal is, an exercise I’ve found super helpful with my coaching clients is this. They write for 5 minutes imagining they are at their own 80th Birthday party. They think about who’s there, what they’re saying, what achievements are being celebrated and what doesn’t even get a mention. It’s amazing how much clarity comes from this simple exercise. There may be big themes that are suddenly apparent over the span of a life, that are currently lost in the weeds. Decisions that have been looming large in the present, suddenly take on a new focus when you’re considering how they’ll look long into the future, will you even remember that project that seems urgent now? And are there things you’re not giving time to now which loom large there - are you up dancing on a table? Then best make time to exercise now.
And as ever, I always find it helpful to remember that life comes in seasons. Maybe it just isn’t the moment for me to take on this big endeavour. But if it’s right for me it’ll come back round when I’m ready. It’s useful to trust a no for now doesn’t have to mean a no forever, so maybe we don’t need to be overloaded at all times.
So what do you think? Do you agree with these two types of no, or do you think there’s others that I’m missing? Which things do you find it hardest to say no to – and how does that make you feel?
If you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed on saying no when you need to, some coaching might help give you confidence to say no with confidence. I’ve got some coaching spaces available at the moment, so drop me a message if you’d appreciate getting your no’s back under control.